01 January 2014

The last goodbye

I have so much to say and nowhere to say it but here..

When I close my eyes I see myself and my cousins in my grandparent's guest room, running around the dining table in circles, over and over again until we get dizzy, and then we'd hide under the table because that was our home and shelter from the bad guys, we'd sit under that table for hours, taking the games we play too seriously. Nothing would get us out of there except the sound of the door unlocking. We'd give each other the look of 'game on' and an evil challenging grin and we take off like rocket ships, racing to the door, my grandpa would be there taking off his shoes or locking the door back again, the first one to jump on him and give him a kiss would go: "FIRST!" And so on it goes. We'd all get attached to him, he carries one, and the others would wrap their arms around his waist, and together we'd walk into the living room. We'd just sit there, chatting and laughing. And God be with the person my grandpa catches, he would wrap us up with his legs very tight, and tickle us until anyone else comes in and give him a kiss, by that time tears would be running down our cheeks from laughter, and he'd sit us down on his lap and gives us a kiss, but we'd run away so we don't get caught and tickled again. I can't remember a moment of when I was young, that included my grandpa that was boring or sad. Times with him were filled with laughter, joy and happiness.

When I close my eyes I'd see us sitting on the dining table, grown up a bit, my grandpa would sit beside me, cause it was always like that, him and I have to sit side by side everytime we're on the table, and everytime he'd go "great! Why did you sit beside me? Listen, I want to eat peacefully. Please do not tickle me" I'd laugh and he'd have his serious face on like he means it, which makes me laugh even more. Moments later, I'd drop my spoon and laugh so hard because he started tickling me as I ate, "didn't I tell you to leave me in peace! Can't you see I'm eating?" He'd say. And then my cousin would come in, after he already ate, and grandpa would say: "come over and eat with us, basha. Your grandma washed her hands before she cooked wAllah". 

When I close my eyes, i see myself walking on the pavement, texting my friends on my mobile, grown up a bit more, i get up those three stairs and ring the bell. My grandma would open the door, I'd kiss her hello and rush in to see him. He'd be there sitting on the ground finishing his prayer, I just wait there until he is done, walk up to him and give him a hug from the back, "you freaked me out!" He'd say after he jumps a bit in his place, although he felt me there from the moment I walked in, but he knew it would make me laugh, and it did. He'd get up on his feet, turn to me and give me a hug and he'd say those words that echo in my head every second of ever hour of every day "you're the one I love most in this world, you know that?" I've seen my grandpa a billion times in my life. Every. Single. Time. He'd say that to me. Whenever I got mad at the world, my friends, my sisters, my parents, I'd think of him and realise that someone out there doesn't notice my mistakes, doesn't tease me or get me upset doesn't want my grades to be high, doesn't expect me to be perfect. Someone out there loves me exactly the way I am, and never, not once made me feel otherwise.

When I closed my eyes and thought of the future, I saw my grandpa at my graduation, sitting there proud of me, clapping his hands to the sound of my name echoing in the stadium as I walk on stage to get my graduation certificate, I saw my grandpa walking me to the room where my husband and the shiekh would be sitting to sign my marriage papers, he'd stand there with a smile on his face and tears in his eyes of how I've grown so much. I saw my grandpa holding my first child praying in his ear, loving my kid as much as he loved me. I saw my kid running towards my grandpa to kiss him hello, and maybe have a little tickle, and then we'd sit on the table, I, him and my kid and he'd go "great! I'm surrounded from both sides! Guys come on, don't tickle me I want to eat peacefully" and we'd laugh at him..

He's gone too quick, too young, too soon. He was the best person in my life, more than I ever let him know. There is nothing I regret more that putting my studies or my friends above him and grandma. But it's what teens do I guess, they run after their selfish ways and forget about the people who really matter. How much I regret the times that I chose to hang out with my friends than hang out with him. But what does regret do now? I just thought he'd hang around a while longer, I thought I'd have more time with him in the future, when having fun stops being my first priority. And God knows it had stopped. Just a little too late.

And now about 20 days have passed. And the thought of him gone away just doesn't seem real. Feels like he's busy with something and he's going to come back, to bring joy to the home that is mourning over him, to bring joy to the hearts of everyone that is missing him like hell. But he isn't.

Here is to you grandpa. And may God rest your soul in peace, and may angels lead you in through the doors of heaven. And may you live in eternal peace forever in the hands of God. And may I see you again in heaven, and tell you how sorry I am, and how you are my favourite person in this whole wide world, and may we never fall apart again. I have and always will love you a lot.