25 August 2015


I left my toothbrush in the guests’ bathroom, that’s how I kept reminding myself that I am just a visitor in my own house.

I can easily say that my mind couldn’t process the fracture of what was going on. When I sat on my bed and thought of Germany it all seemed like one long dream, none of it seemed like it actually happened. But now I’m on the plane going back to that dream, and it will become my reality again.

This word has worked my mind more than any other for years. Since the day I realized that there was more to home than four walls and a roof I have felt homesick to a place I don’t really know. And I have begun my journey of looking for this place.
Leaving the Germany made the process a hell lot more complicated. The concept consumed me more and more. But has developed my thoughts really quick and helped me reach conclusions.
I thought: Is my home here now? I mean I live here, I have a house, a job, friends, I know the people working at Starbucks, I can shop blindfolded in the supermarket, I can guide someone if they lose their way, I know the area up to the last detail, I speak their language, get their humor. What makes Amman more of a home than Wiesbaden?
I never really considered Amman my home. Being born in a place does not make it your home. Having that place written on your passport does not either. For a long while I believed Circassia was my home, but how could a place you never even visited be your home?
And don’t get me wrong I love all three places full heartedly, but none of them is in fact my home.
Today I have reached the end of this journey. I have found my home. It has been there and I have been looking beyond it for a long time. I have been looking in the wrong areas. I found it in people and not places. I could be in Alaska with those certain people and I’d still be able to call it home. And I have never belonged somewhere as much as I have in this vacation I spent in Amman, I have never known home this much, nor have I ever felt that safe and relieved. And for the first time in my life I didn’t feel homesick.

Life has taken a new turn. It is hard to leave home the moment you find it, but it is so good knowing that it’ll be waiting for you when you come back.

If you’re going through a hard time hold on, one day everything will make sense and you’ll be at peace. Until then hang on to the idea of that day and let it be your reason to get up in the morning. Have faith in God’s plans for you and you will be just fine.

Until the next chapter..

07 August 2015


 Sitting at home in Amman now writing this post it all seems like one long dream. It doesn't feel like I've been away for four whole months. I have matured a lot as a person and a lot about me has changed but that is mostly it. Everything is still the same.
Seeing my family for the first time a couple of weeks ago was overwhelming. At first I didn't really process that they were there, I felt like I was going to wake up alone in Wiesbaden all over again. But I woke up the next day to my parent's voice and my sisters sleeping besides me and thousands miles away from home it felt like home.
Paris was a beautiful city, the details in it gets you addicted to it. Details you don't find anywhere else, details that are only seen or felt not explained. Thinking about it now I don't know what it is that makes Paris stand out, but you never get bored of that city, even if you walked the exact same street heading to the same destination every single day you'd still find beauty in it. You can never really get used to it, and you can never feel glad to leave it. You always find something inside that draws you back to it, and I'd visit it a million times if I could.
Disney Land. Visiting that place is the dream of so many people, and of course I was one of them. Happiest place on earth? Yes. Not because of the awesome rides or the great scenery, just like the city I don't know what it is that makes Disney land stand out, but you are filled with joy every step of the way. Maybe it feels like being hugged by childhood, like entering this world you used to fancy when you were 5, and it feels exactly like you imagined it would. A place of magic, happiness and laughter. Where nothing could go wrong. Where the architecture is a fairytale, the food is a fairytale, the atmosphere is a fairytale. Yes. I think that's what it feels like, living inside your 5 year old self's dream. 
On one of the days we went to a chapel where a violin music concert was held. That chapel was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, I sat there mid concert and I felt my head going over the clouds, for a second I forgot it was real life, the music was so pure, the place was so pure, everything was so painfully beautiful and that feeling I'd never forget.
On my way back from Paris, I looked out of the train window at the most beautiful scenery and then I turned my head to my father in front of me and the rest of the family on my side, on the table in front of me was a nicely designed beautifully cooked meal, I had people I love waiting for me back home and at that moment I felt like every single thing in my life makes sense, like everything is so perfect. I smiled to widely and my father looked at me and could see it in my eyes, 'What's going on?' he asked with a smile knowing the answer. 'Everything is just perfect' I answered. By that time I had already said Al-HamduliAllah one hundred times in my head but 'say Al-HamduliAllah' my father reminded me again.
Al-HamduliAllah, for everything. Life is as perfect as you wish to see it, and if you find at least one thing to be thankful for everyday then you are blessed.
During my time alone in Germany I learnt to be happy, I learnt to be thankful. And I can assure you that my life there was not perfect, but the happier I chose to be the better my life got.
From now on life could only get better inshAllah.
I am not saying this to show off, I am saying this to inspire. Cause I now know what happiness tastes like and I want the whole world to try it.

Until the next chapter..