25 August 2015

Home

I left my toothbrush in the guests’ bathroom, that’s how I kept reminding myself that I am just a visitor in my own house.

I can easily say that my mind couldn’t process the fracture of what was going on. When I sat on my bed and thought of Germany it all seemed like one long dream, none of it seemed like it actually happened. But now I’m on the plane going back to that dream, and it will become my reality again.

Home.
This word has worked my mind more than any other for years. Since the day I realized that there was more to home than four walls and a roof I have felt homesick to a place I don’t really know. And I have begun my journey of looking for this place.
Leaving the Germany made the process a hell lot more complicated. The concept consumed me more and more. But has developed my thoughts really quick and helped me reach conclusions.
I thought: Is my home here now? I mean I live here, I have a house, a job, friends, I know the people working at Starbucks, I can shop blindfolded in the supermarket, I can guide someone if they lose their way, I know the area up to the last detail, I speak their language, get their humor. What makes Amman more of a home than Wiesbaden?
I never really considered Amman my home. Being born in a place does not make it your home. Having that place written on your passport does not either. For a long while I believed Circassia was my home, but how could a place you never even visited be your home?
And don’t get me wrong I love all three places full heartedly, but none of them is in fact my home.
Today I have reached the end of this journey. I have found my home. It has been there and I have been looking beyond it for a long time. I have been looking in the wrong areas. I found it in people and not places. I could be in Alaska with those certain people and I’d still be able to call it home. And I have never belonged somewhere as much as I have in this vacation I spent in Amman, I have never known home this much, nor have I ever felt that safe and relieved. And for the first time in my life I didn’t feel homesick.

Life has taken a new turn. It is hard to leave home the moment you find it, but it is so good knowing that it’ll be waiting for you when you come back.

If you’re going through a hard time hold on, one day everything will make sense and you’ll be at peace. Until then hang on to the idea of that day and let it be your reason to get up in the morning. Have faith in God’s plans for you and you will be just fine.

Until the next chapter..