20 February 2016

Where I've been..

The past four months have been real hard. And I dreamt of the day I sit in my own house, take photos of my regular morning, tell you all about my journey since I abandoned this blog. But now that I have settled in things are slightly different than I imagined. Let me explain to you the lack of photos in this post, and the lack of quality in that one photo.

When I first fell in love with photography I directly decided to buy my own DSLR.
It took me three years of collecting cash, I was too young to work back then but I saved money from Eids and money from after graduation and so on. Where young people get their money from basically.
The exact day I reached my cash goal I ordered a camera. And it was basically one of the happiest days of my life when it arrived.
That camera became my best friend. If it could speak it would tell you all about me; it would have been the 'thing' that knows me best.
One day I broke the lens of that camera, and I had to exchange for a new one as the warranty subjected me to. I was so heartbroken, a brand new camera was surprisingly to most people not what I wanted. I remember crying so damn much when I put it back in the box and gave it to my uncle to exchange it for me. And if I had to do it again today I'd be just as heart broken, nothing has changed, that -somewhat silly to some people, part of me hasn't died yet.
A few days later the same exact model of my camera arrived in a brand new, never opened, box. It wasn't the same to me but this was my new best friend.
Not to catch you by surprise but I did love that camera. It also became my everything and it meant to me just as much as the old one did. This new camera saw more of my life, a better part of my life. It celebrated way too many happy memories with me. And dear God, it was not just a camera. People who treat things as things would never understand.

All fairytales aside. I have lost this friend. To some level it felt like I've lost everything.
I was riding on a train from Munich to Berlin on newyear's eve. And, me the trusting naïve person, put my camera bag with the lens and everything inside wrapped around my carryon's handle and I left it on the luggage rack. In Germany I have done this many times, leave my bags at the door, so easy to grab and go, but it never happened. The train I was on costed the minimum of 60 Euros per ride. I never imagined that a person who had this much cash to spend would be a thief. But apparently the world is uglier than I hoped for it to be. When we went down my camera bag and carryon were gone.

The next 30 seconds were so slow. The realisation of life with no camera hit me like a high tide and dragged me under water until I hit the bottom of the ocean and I couldn't breath. I gasped for air and I said to my friend that's it, it's gone.

All my German friends and family told me not to hope for anything. And I didn't. I knew it was the end. I filed a police report and did everything I could but I haven't and probably will not hear from them ever.

And now I open my blog and I think, is this the end of it? What is my blog without pictures?

See the past four months of my life have been so tough. But this was the toughest thing I've ever faced. It got me down so much. It kills my insides every single day. With every sunshine through the window, with every beautiful palace I enter, with every beautiful snowflake landing on my wrist, with every smile on a friend's face, with every frame I wish I could capture. It kills me so many times in a single day. And it never gets easy. But I remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and God has wished for this for a grander purpose that I am too small to understand.

I opened my blog today to write this post wanting to quit blogging. And the page of the stats was the first thing I saw. I'm going to be honest I was so shocked. People from all around the world still visit this blog. Even though I haven't posted anything in months. I still have views every single day since I left. And I just can't abandon ship. Even if there is only one person who still cares about my rambling I will not leave. I will figure this out.

Until then..

P.s: I can put a few hundreds and buy myself a new dslr. But if you know me you'd know how attached I get to things. And the camera I buy is a camera that is going to stay with me until one of us dies, or in another ugly case it gets stolen. So I want to invest in a really good camera, I want to take my time and gather a few thousands and get something that I dream of. I have been forced to change, so I will use this opportunity because it wouldn't have happen any other way.