Belgium

Upon one of the beautiful nights, I spent in Belgium last week, my cousin and I were sitting in a restaurant waiting for Maghreb prayer to dig into the pizza that arrived a bit early and was so hot and beautiful lying on our table. A very nice Tunisian waiter we have met as we ordered came out of the restaurant door and said out loud: ‘ladies, time!’

My cousin unwrapped a plastic bag with dates inside and reached out to me offering me a piece. Two older men were sitting on the table next to us, very confused by everything going on, asked: ‘what is that in the bag?’ My cousin said it was dated, and explained that we are fasting and this is what we break our fast with.

The night went on and we kept talking to them. One seemed to be in his late 30 and the other a bit older with white hair and a white beard. They both seemed very educated, very smart. Discussions with them went beautifully, we talked about things from politics to ice cream. Fascinated by their personalities we asked them what they worked, the younger was a clinical psychologist and the older said he was a religious man. That made sense, as he spoke I thought he must be some kind of lecturer, the way he talked and delivered the information was not like any normal person. When we got home later that night we found the older man on the web, he seems to be a very important religion man, he has a lot of writings and is quite famous. Anyway,

As the night came to an end the older man said something beautiful that I cannot recall literally, but to sum up the idea it was something like: we are just here to have a drink, we saw you two and we talked, we communicated. If the world could do that; communicate, it would be a better place. It doesn’t matter what religion you come from, all religions speak of peace, of coexisting, of communication and in the end we are all the same, humans.

It is random people like this and random situations like this that widen your eyes and expand your brain. It is people like this that make you feel like it is good in the world, and ignorance didn’t yet take over.

On a less serious note, I had extremely beautiful days with my cousin in Belgium. It is a beautiful city with people from all over the world; the variety of culture you can see in one street is quite fascinating. It is not as perfect as Germany and I loved that. Too much perfection kills the soul, I think.

The feeling of family, though, waking up to family and sleeping to family, was the best feeling after months of living alone. Setting a table for two, having someone to ask about a piece of clothing you’ve tried, chatting with someone about the shallowest and the deepest subjects, laughing with someone nonstop for minutes, all in all having a family member present in your life, actually in front of you and not on the screen of a computer is such a blessing that I think I only realized when I got deprived of.

Here is to another chapter in this little adventure of mine, a chapter now over but very beautiful and will remain beautiful in my head.

Here is to peace and here is to hope. Cause such optimistic beauty still exists.

Until the next one.

Been A While

It's been nearly three months since I got here. And I haven't written in so long.

Waking up away from home has its heartache every morning. Dining alone has its heartache every meal. Walking alone has its heartache every step.

But being alone is the best thing that ever happened to my character.

I've discovered myself in ways I cannot form into words, I just know myself by myself now. I've discovered new limits and new horizons, I now know that whatever happens in my life I can stand tall and not let it knock me down, I've developed self-strength and self-respect I never thought I'd have. I now know what I'm worth. And that was the purpose of this journey, and I am only halfway through.

Not in a billion years did I imagine I'd ever been proud of myself, but today I can easily say that I am proud of myself.

This experience has not been easy, not for a second, even when out with friends and having fun, it doesn't get easy. But hard is beautiful. Hard makes you a beautiful person.

The best is yet to come. The upcoming couple of months are going to be so hectic and I cannot wait to go through them, cannot wait to enjoy them.

Today I am enjoying my last rest day, starting tomorrow I'd barely have time for anything, so I thought I'd just update my blog with what has been going on lately, cause this is going to be nice to read in a few years time for me. And maybe, hopefully, be nice for those of you who like to read my writings.

And here are a few photos from the past month or so.

Dreams Coming True

Like a dream. That's how it feels like to cross off the item on top of your bucket list. You feel like your feet are floating off the ground, and your head gets dizzy, your sight gets blurry and you stare waiting for that moment you'll suddenly feel like you're falling to wake up. But you never do, you don't fall. It happens, and it ends, and you go back home to your normal life.
The next day you open your eyes and you see the ceiling of your bedroom, you are not there anymore, you are here now. And you really don’t know whether to smile because it happened, or cry because it’s over. 

While it happened though.. I was in my seat waiting for the match, knowing it will get delayed because it was raining heavily. But I sat there anyway, under the rain, hovering my sight across the court back and forth. Andrew Barron Murray is going to walk this court right now, I thought. He is going to be a couple of meters away from me. I let that sink in as I thought of all the nights I spent awake, the exams I didn’t study, the outings I didn’t attend to watch his matches. All the sunrises I watched reflect on the screen as I screamed in silence not to wake my parents up. All the prayers I made for him to win a championship. All the hours I spent reading articles about him, following his news. Remembering the happiness that seeing him winning brings to my heart, how I stayed pumped for a whole week after his first grand slam. How I wake up every single day to that photo of him on my side table and smile. How I defended him with all I had when someone spoke badly of him like he was a dear friend. How when I was feeling low, all it took was a match to motivate me. How seeing him fight for the points taught me how to never give up. And I’m an adult now, I know that the only thing that motivates the mind is itself, but growing up, it felt like he was my biggest motivation. This big part of my life that I only saw on a screen was going to stand in front of me, and not even know of any of the things going in my head. 
And after 3 hours of rain delay he did, he stood in front of me. They called his name and he walked out, the court was too silent I could hear him talk and breath. And I just.. I didn’t understand. I can easily say I still don’t. This all feels like one vivid dream. One that makes me very happy. One that would never ever in a hundred years fail to make me smile. 

Visiting the Allianz Arena felt nearly the same. The feeling of happiness dancing through your veins as your lungs excitedly struggle for air as you look around, not understanding. 
And it’s a week later now and I’m not sure I’ll ever get the facts straight in my head. 

Munich. The most tiring yet beautiful weekend of my life. I got so tired that I slept for an entire day when I came back. I really think I slept 40 hours of the 48 hours post my trip. I left at 5 in the morning, got to my hotel at about 12 noon. I left the hotel at 7 in the evening, missed my train and reached back home at 7 in the morning. I can say it was quite the experience, and I am so relieved that I have used up every last bit of time I had. I really didn’t waste a minute. I wore my clothes and I got on that Uban, I didn’t know where it headed, I didn’t know where I went down, I was in a city I have never seen before, without internet connection and without anyone there with me. And I loved it. I walked with no direction; I just kept going forward to the unknown. I think everyone should try to do that sometime, nothing feels like it.

Settled In

This town is now my town. This home is now my home. This university is now my university.

I now know the streets, know the buses, know where to find tea in my favourite supermarket. When a man stops me in the street and asks me about a place I can tell him how to get there. Hell, now the girl at Starbucks writes my name on the cup without asking me about it.

I am no longer a visitor, no longer a tourist. I now live here. I am part of this place, and it has become a part of me.

Over the weekend I left my home and went to Frankfurt and Koblenz. It was a nice change. I loved Frankfurt, I went there with thoughts that it is not that nice of a city because of how people talked about it. Being too modern to be German. But I loved it, it has a nice atmosphere to it.

Koblenz, on the other hand, is a very old city full of old buildings, reminded me much of 'the Book thief'. It was Sunday when I was in Koblenz though so we mostly saw the tourist attraction rather than the actual city, so I'd like to go back to it again.

It was around 10 pm on a quite kind of night with bits of rain falling and stopping when I arrived in Wiesbaden after a two day very fun but very exhausting trip, I walked out of the Hauptbahnhof and walked into bus 6 which is supposed to take me home. As soon as the bus moved I realized I was on the wrong one, but that was okay, I could go down at the next stop and cross the street to the right station to get the right bus.

The bus drove quite a distance before we got to the first stop, and I walked down. I crossed the street and got to my station, I looked at the time, luckily for me, the bus was in 13 minutes.  I walked around a bit exploring this street I’ve never been on and came back to the station on time. The bus arrived a pulled over, I walked towards the back door cause it was closer to me, I waited and the door didn’t open. I clicked the button that opens the door, but it still didn’t open. I turned around to walk towards the front door and ask the bus driver about the problem, as I started taking my first step the bus started moving. And just like that, it was gone.

Because it is Sunday, the next bus was in 50 minutes. Waiting for it meant getting home at around 12. So I decided to walk home.

Walking 4 kilometres is no trouble for me on a normal day. But I was dead tired because we had walked all day, and I had a very heavy backpack that had my laptop, camera, and all of my luggage.

But I had no other option. I thought if I find a bus on the way back I'd take it. But I found none.

Really close to breaking down I walked by the closest bus stop to my house. There I found a man on a wheelchair with no legs. It sent shivers down my spine because, yes my legs were numb, but at least I had them. I smiled at him, he smiled at me and I walked up the stairs to my room.

I often forget how blessed I am. And it really makes me sad that it usually takes something to remind me. But lately, I've been counting my blessings every single day. They get me through the loneliness and the exhaustion.

I am proud of myself right now. I thought, the first night on my own is going to be hard. Eating alone is going to be sad. Walking alone is going to be lonely. And they are, but I am still enjoying them. And I'm proud that I haven't had a single breakdown since I got here. At first it worried me, because I've heard stories from all the other girls how they had it really hard the first couple of weeks. I kept thinking maybe I'm just living in denial and this will all hit me so hard all of a sudden. But no, I am completely aware of this new life I'm living. And I'm missing home so much, but I'm enjoying it. I really am. I am okay. I am happy.

A new chapter

Here begins a new chapter.

The hardest thing I ever had to do was to leave everything and go. To be honest, my life right before I left was perfect, I had everything I wanted, everything I needed, I had reached the peak of my happiness right before I had to leave, and it was tough.

But I am extremely excited, to leave everything I love for a while, and go on a journey of loving myself. This is not going to be about studying, or working, or meeting new people to me. This is going to be a trip inside my own mind, getting to know myself and what I am capable of, mentally and physically. This is where I learn to respect myself more because honestly self-love is something I lack.

This will change a lot about me, but I’ll always be the same person. Just more mature and experienced. 

I have packed my everything and have moved out to a small town in Germany called Wiesbaden. I chose this town out of free will, I saw its pictures, I’ve read and heard about it and it just seemed right. I really didn’t want a big city like Berlin or Köln, I wanted something that had a homey family spirit cause I knew that if I went to a big city I was going to lose myself instead of finding it.

Wiesbaden... How much effort I’ve put into you. But the moment I saw you I knew you were worth it.

Wiesbaden was closed and it was not one of the options when we were given a list of cities to choose from, but I wanted it anyway. We arranged a letter of recommendation from my university to the RheinMain university here in Wiesbaden, I put together a portfolio and sent it in hopes of getting a seat. A couple of weeks later I got the acceptance letter. And that was the first challenge done.

Wiesbaden surprised me with ‘shared room’ dorms for students, and if you know anything about me you’d know that me sharing a living space with a stranger is impossible. And here is where my second challenge started, as I started looking for a single room apartment. I send around 88 requests, for 88 different people, and I got 3 replies back. The three said they were full. I came to Wiesbaden still not having a roof over my head. But thankfully I had my parents with me, and a miracle happened and I found a beautiful single apartment. And this was the second challenge done.

I am aware that those challenges are going to sound simple in a few months, I am aware that what I am going to encounter is not going to be simple, but I am fully ready.

It is beautiful counting down days, it is beautiful that I have a life to come back for back home. It’s exciting that I have loved ones waiting for me.

It is beautiful this chance, this experience. I am vey lucky to get to try this, and I will make the best of it.

And of course living alone is going to put so many thoughts in my head, so here is where I’ll be sharing. I honestly don’t know how often I’ll be posting, just when I feel like it, nothing fixed, nothing to stick to. 

So.. Until next time. 

The Day I Turned 21

It was less than a normal day, I woke up, had breakfast, then stayed in bed from 11 till 6:30. When my mum came to me and told me to go pick my little sister up from her friend's house. I got up, after twenty minutes of trying to, wondering if it's worth it to change from my pyjama pants to jeans, and I believe it was written that I change, thankfully. I put on the first hijab I laid my hand on when I opened the drawer. Looking like the most bored person on earth my sister walked in, 'I want to come' she said. I looked at her, dressed up in her best, looking fancy and all, I smirked. Of course, her being my sister understood that I couldn't understand why she is that dressed up like she could have left in her pyjamas too. 'I wore the first thing I saw' she, lamely, explained. I was too bored to stress on that and we just left.

I came home and my mum was standing at the door, she seemed fishy but I didn't have the time to think it through. she walked inside and I followed. Now a tip about me, I get scared easily. Still not expecting a single damn thing, I jumped off my feet as I heard a whole bunch of people singing 'happy birthday'. My adrenaline kicked in and I ran into the kitchen and back.

There they were, my favourite people in the world, all there in one room. And of course with the best looking cake ever.

After shaking and not processing what has happened for about 5 minutes, we cut the cake and sat down to eat. At this point, I was having the best time I've ever had. My father and mother, my sisters and best friend, all of my friends and beloved around one table. I just disconnected from the world for a couple of minutes, looking around me, my heart pounding fast, I felt my soul dancing inside my body. I felt truly blessed. I wasn't talking, I wasn't listening, I was just thinking 'El HamduleAllah, El HamduleAllah El HamduleAllah'.

I could say a lot about that night. I could speak of that night forever. And the memory of that night is something that would never leave my mind. It is something I can look back on that would make me smile in seconds, but for hours.