Berlin, almost

I never wanted to visit Berlin.

I don’t know how or why but I’ve always felt like it’s not going to be the place for me.

When asked about my dream destinations I could list 500 before getting to Berlin.

But boy was I wrong.

I’m not going to say the most beautiful cause I’ve seen so many beautiful cities, but definitely the most interesting. It is a city of art, a city of diversity, a city of mystery. Nothing in that city is just there, everything is carefully placed. Yet nothing in that city is ordinary, even the most ordinary things. I’ve seen trash compartments in Berlin more interesting than buildings and paintings elsewhere.

Commercial break: I am not able to spell Berlin properly as I type; I keep typing Berling cause it ends with an IN so you know, my fingers directly go to a G every. Single. Time.

Anyhow, the thing that blew my mind the most is that the city wasn’t what it is only 25 years ago. It was divided in half and yet today it blends in such serenity. I really don’t understand how a city could become what Berlin is today in such a short period of time.

The feeling of crossing the mark of the Berlin wall is really weird, it gives a mixture of hope and sorrow, you are crossing a line of black stones on the ground, but this marks what once was a wall dividing families from each other, marks a wall who many were killed or imprisoned trying to cross. But you can today cross it as if it’s part of the gravel, I bet many don’t even notice it’s there.

In Berlin, you find everything you could ever look for if you want tall buildings, lights, modernity you find it. If you want greenery, quietness, small houses with big gardens you find it. If you want normal small buildings with small parks and homey cafes you find it. If you want old people with small groceries and abandoned kids playgrounds you find it. If you want posh, beautiful architecture, ancient buildings you find it. If you want ghetto with graffiti on everything but the sky and ten drug dealers in one street you find it. And they’re all within 10 minutes train rides. And maybe every city has that, but in that city, it is so intense that it’s instantly noticeable.

I’m trying but I really can’t describe Berlin, Berlin is bigger than me, bigger than my words, bigger than my thoughts. Some things I’ve seen there I’m still not able to process.

Berlin wasn’t a vacation it was an experience, surely one of the best. And being there with the right people surely had a big part. Hanging out with a best friend I haven’t seen in ages had a big part. And the city itself is of course...

I’m finishing this piece of writing really disappointed, cause not what I wrote nor what I photographed captures the city as I saw it. But this was the best I could do.

Until next time...

Home

I left my toothbrush in the guests’ bathroom, that’s how I kept reminding myself that I am just a visitor in my own house.

I can easily say that my mind couldn’t process the fracture of what was going on. When I sat on my bed and thought of Germany it all seemed like one long dream, none of it seemed like it actually happened. But now I’m on the plane going back to that dream, and it will become my reality again.

Home.

This word has worked my mind more than any other for years. Since the day I realized that there was more to home than four walls and a roof I have felt homesick to a place I don’t really know. And I have begun my journey of looking for this place.

Leaving Germany made the process a hell lot more complicated. The concept consumed me more and more. But has developed my thoughts really quick and helped me reach conclusions.

I thought: Is my home here now? I mean I live here, I have a house, a job, friends, I know the people working at Starbucks, I can shop blindfolded in the supermarket, I can guide someone if they lose their way, I know the area up to the last detail, I speak their language, get their humour. What makes Amman more of a home than Wiesbaden?

I never really considered Amman my home. Being born in a place does not make it your home. Having that place written on your passport does not either. For a long while I believed Circassia was my home, but how could a place you never even visited be your home?

And don’t get me wrong I love all three places full-heartedly, but none of them is, in fact, my home.

Today I have reached the end of this journey. I have found my home. It has been there and I have been looking beyond it for a long time. I have been looking in the wrong areas. I found it in people and not places. I could be in Alaska with those certain people and I’d still be able to call it home. And I have never belonged somewhere as much as I have in this vacation I spent in Amman, I have never known home this much, nor have I ever felt that safe and relieved. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel homesick.

Life has taken a new turn. It is hard to leave home the moment you find it, but it is so good knowing that it’ll be waiting for you when you come back.

If you’re going through a hard time hold on, one day everything will make sense and you’ll be at peace. Until then hang on to the idea of that day and let it be your reason to get up in the morning. Have faith in God’s plans for you and you will be just fine.

Until the next chapter..

Paris

 Sitting at home in Amman now writing this post it all seems like one long dream. It doesn't feel like I've been away for four whole months. I have matured a lot as a person and a lot about me has changed but that is mostly it. Everything is still the same.

Seeing my family for the first time a couple of weeks ago was overwhelming. At first, I didn't really process that they were there, I felt like I was going to wake up alone in Wiesbaden all over again. But I woke up the next day to my parent's voice and my sisters sleeping beside me and thousands of miles away from home it felt like home.

Paris was a beautiful city, the details in it gets you addicted to it. Details you don't find anywhere else, details that are only seen or felt not explained. Thinking about it now I don't know what it is that makes Paris stand out, but you never get bored of that city, even if you walked the exact same street heading to the same destination every single day you'd still find beauty in it. You can never really get used to it, and you can never feel glad to leave it. You always find something inside that draws you back to it, and I'd visit it a million times if I could.

Disney Land. Visiting that place is the dream of so many people, and of course, I was one of them. The happiest place on earth? Yes. Not because of the awesome rides or the great scenery, just like the city I don't know what it is that makes Disney land stand out, but you are filled with joy every step of the way. Maybe it feels like being hugged by childhood, like entering this world you used to fancy when you were 5, and it feels exactly like you imagined it would. A place of magic, happiness and laughter. Where nothing could go wrong. Where the architecture is a fairytale, the food is a fairytale, the atmosphere is a fairytale. Yes. I think that's what it feels like, living inside your 5-year-old self's dream.

On one of the days, we went to a chapel where a violin music concert was held. That chapel was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, I sat there mid-concert and I felt my head going over the clouds, for a second I forgot it was real life, the music was so pure, the place was so pure, everything was so painfully beautiful and that feeling I'd never forget.

On my way back from Paris, I looked out of the train window at the most beautiful scenery and then I turned my head to my father in front of me and the rest of the family on my side, on the table in front of me was a nicely designed beautifully cooked meal, I had people I love waiting for me back home and at that moment I felt like every single thing in my life makes sense, like everything is so perfect. I smiled to widely and my father looked at me and could see it in my eyes, 'What's going on?' he asked with a smile knowing the answer. 'Everything is just perfect' I answered. By that time I had already said Al-HamduliAllah one hundred times in my head but 'say Al-HamduliAllah' my father reminded me again.

Al-HamduliAllah, for everything. Life is as perfect as you wish to see it, and if you find at least one thing to be thankful for every day then you are blessed.

During my time alone in Germany I learnt to be happy, I learnt to be thankful. And I can assure you that my life there was not perfect, but the happier I chose to be the better my life got.

From now on life could only get better inshAllah.

I am not saying this to show off, I am saying this to inspire. Cause I now know what happiness tastes like and I want the whole world to try it.

Until the next chapter..

Arles

It is 2 am. I am sitting outside under the most beautiful night sky I’ve ever seen. No city lights, no noise, no pollution, just countless stars, clean air and silence.

Our train back is at around 6, so we have to be up by 4 to pack and clean out the bungalow and check out. So of course, me being me, decided not to sleep. So here I am writing my mind out.

I just haven’t had enough of this place yet; it has been some of the best weeks of my life. How much I’ve seen and learnt cannot be put into words.

To come from a city where photography is not considered art, or is something respectful, to a city where photography is everything has been the best part of this trip. This whole city is based on photography, when you walk down the street 8 out of 10 of the people you pass by are photographers, or at least have passion for photography.

Arles is a small city in France, it is the place where “” emerged as an artist, as a photographer. He was the first person in the world to turn photography from something technical into art. And so this city’s roots were watered with photography and continue to be.

A week ago I got on the train with 5 girls and a guy. Tomorrow I get on a train with 6 friends I’ll never forget, no matter where life takes me.

We have learnt so much about each other and I know I’ve made friends for life.

Walking through the city, going around from one exhibition to the next I noticed I am the only Hijabi among thousands of people. And it really got me thinking. And although some people give you the ‘what the hell are you doing here’ look, most people smile widely, and it is the most heartwarming thing. I have been smiled at in the streets often, but here I noticed it more, and their smiles were different. I honestly have never been so proud of being a Hijabi as much as I was this week, I fell in love with it even more than I loved it before. Being asked about it and explaining why I wear it for people who know nothing about it reminded me of how important it is to me, and I’m thankful for that. Cause when you do something every day it turns to a habit, a routine. And I never want my Hijab to be that. I want to wear it every day and remind myself of the things that let me do so.

On a final note, I am so thankful for this opportunity. It has been beautiful in all aspects. As sad I am that it is over, as excited I am for the future.

Until the next chapter.